Of course, there are caveats that come with that proclamation. Obviously, if you’re on the beach, or a yacht, or a swimming team or something, flip-flops are more of a necessary garment. But beyond those practical applications, a man in an open toed shoe is committing a heinous fashion crime.
Some of you are reading this and thinking, ‘Bah! He doesn’t know what he’s talking about! I wear open toed shoes all the time!” Well sir, then you are exactly who I’m talking about, and I expect that one day soon you’ll be arrested by the fashion police.
“But everyone wears flip flops,” you’ll shout as you’re being dragged off to fashion jail.
True, flip-flops are popular --- but being popular doesn’t make something stylish. Snooki is popular, and people even emulate her orange tan and ‘bumpit’ hair. But if Snooki is your fashion icon, you’ve got serious issues. Flip-flops are for men that are phoning in their appearance. They’d rather just slip a piece of cardboard over their foot. What are you, a Roman soldier or something? It’s the 21st Century. We have shoes now. And don’t even get me started on sandals --- they’re what Dads wear on cruise ships. I especially hate the ones you Velcro on. Really? You need to Velcro on footwear like a four-year-old? Could you care less about what your appearance says to the world?
“But I like to keep my feet cool in the summer! You can’t refute that! It’s logic!” you’ll shout to the judge.
The judge will tell you that it’s no excuse. Fashion isn’t about having cool feet in the summer. While comfort is important, you will never find a debonair male wearing a pair of open toed shoes. There’s nothing suave about rolling up to an exclusive club and declaring to the ladies, “Hey, pretty babies, check out my toes. Can you feel the sexuality oozing from my long, yellow toenails? How about the misshapen toe I broke playing rugby? Yeah, I’m vibing you. I’m vibing you hard.”
Let’s face it; unless you’re some kind of foot fetish perv, men’s feet are gross --- bony and rough with patches of toe-knuckle hair. Detractors might assume that I say this because I have ugly feet and I don’t want anyone else to have any fun. But it’s just not so --- my feet are as normal as anyone’s. But you’ll never find any man, anywhere, on any best-dressed list for wearing flip-flops.
It’s just fashion truth.